Did Someone Say Vulnerability?

I've had the honor of guiding countless couples through the intricate paths of relationship challenges. From working with couples on the verge of divorce following infidelity to supporting those eager to rebuild a foundation that they've never really had, there's a theme that consistently emerges – the struggle to become vulnerable.

Maybe when you think of being vulnerable, you think of it as taking on a posture of weakness. Have you considered that vulnerability could be a strength? Hear me out - Being vulnerable might sound like a place of weakness to some. And I get why that it is: It is an emotional space where we show our true selves, with all our flaws and insecurities, and still hope to be accepted and loved - or at minimum, understood.

"Have you considered that vulnerability could be a strength?"

Indeed there are often fears behind showing the softer sides of ourselves. It may be easier to show for instance, anger, than it would be to say, "When you forgot this thing that was important to me, it made me feel that you did not care..." - That's what vulnerability sounds like. Speaking directly to the emotions.

As both a divorce mediator and a couple’s therapist, I’ve recognized that without a sense of safety, no one is in a hurry to dive into those soft, timid, and guarded parts of themselves. If you've ever felt hesitant to reveal your innermost feelings to your partner or feared expressing a certain emotion, I'm sure you can relate. It's that fear of rejection, of not being understood, or even the pain of past traumas re-emerging.

The backdrop to all this hesitance to deeply engage and connect with our partner can stem from a number of factors. Our lived experiences (between childhood and adulthood) can shape how we approach vulnerability. Even our very own partners may have taught us in the past that it was not safe to be vulnerable with them. Combine that with our personal worldviews and inner self-talk, and we see why it is easier to harden, than it is to speak to how we were impacted by the situation at hand.

Trust and safety are, therefore, the golden keys of vulnerability. When you trust your partner enough to believe they won't ridicule, dismiss, or harm you in your most vulnerable state, you're more inclined to open up. And when you provide that same safety for them, the magic of mutual vulnerability unfolds.

Any relationship expert will tell you that vulnerability is a powerful mover in any relationship. I often call it, a pathway to connection. You not only get to share a part of your authentic self but also give your partner the opportunity to do the same, and to also match your vulnerability with softness and understanding. It is in these types of exchanges that couples often find their way back to a deeper love and renewed connection.  

To all those brave souls willing to be vulnerable, know that it's a journey worth undertaking. I am here to support you along the way!

Cheers to you and yours!

Warmly,

S. B. Bell, MFT